oh hello there...

oh well... i suppose computers aren't that bad after all... my work's still up and intact... so there...
and unfinished i should add...
oh i'll get to it... soon...
in a while...

hmm... tired a little i am... haha... but it's far better than the kind of tired that i get at the end of a long day in school... tired out of going out and doing fun stuff is different from tired out of studying... and if a certain someone reads this...
no i'm not mocking your quite less palatable postion within the labour force through advertising the fact that i'm still studying...
just... making a comment... haha...
had fun lar...
thanks for dinner and the free ride home...

anyway...

i figured out a new method of filling my blog up... whenever i am not driven by any great passion or outrage to write... then i shall just engage in meta-descriptives...

so i'm sitting before the white square... staring at little squiggly lines materialise before my eyes as i hit little boxes under my fingers that seem to carry the same figures... there are a total of one hundred and four little boxes under my fingers now... some are littler than others... some have only one mark on them... others have two... even more... but one stands out... relatively long... it has no markings of any sort on it... and depressing it just makes the disappearing line on the white square move... there are also three lights that can light up ... depressing certain boxes light them or turn them off...
i suppose white square is not a good way of describing the thing before me now... it has many colours... some change but most are still... most of the colours also form... in varying sizes... the very same figures that i see on the little boxes that i can press... the colours are very pretty... when i touch them they are hard... very hard...
taking in the larger view of the room... i see that the floor is largely made a strips of material that have random designs on them... all however are brown... some lighter than others though... and the designs all involve lines running in the same direction... much of the other things in the room are also made of this same material... the largest thing in the room is a rectangular block... colourful... and very soft... it yields to my touch... bends and folds... there are other similar things on it... colourful... soft... things...
moving around... i see something else... it is similar to the white square... but it does not have white lights... nor is it square... but i see that it has moving colours... and instead of forming squiggly lines... the colours form a strange object... this object moves... five bits... longest at the bottom and smallest on top... attached to an oblong in the middle... it opens and covers little black and white orbs that are in the topmost bit... and just a little lower... where two long, tapering cylinders come from... there is a steady rythmic movement... a slight... slow pulsation... when i reach out to touch it... it moves too... it looks... deceptively so... soft and warm... for when i touch it all i feel is a hard surface... like the way the colours of the white square feel... it is very cold too...
there are also several other little boxes in the room... one of them... instead of depressing when i touch it... merely pivots around the same point... when i do that... there is a snap... all the colours in the room change... darken actually... only the white square and its colours remain the same... brighter even...

oh well... got bored of that...
more from the alien in my room the next time i blog then...
the essay beckons...

hello everybody...

i'm writing my essay on how much Maxine Hong Kingston finds her true power in her word and song so i decided to come her and display my power in word and song...

bow down everybody...

ha...

omigosh i'm getting lamer and crappier by the day... the hour... the minute... the second... the millisecond... the i-don't-know-what-comes-next... the i-don't-know-what-comes-after-that...
oh well... since i'm going to be lame... i might as well excel in it...

wait... what was it now...?
oh damn it... i had the funniest thing to say but i can't remember what it was now... it came to me as a pretty funny thing to say as i was re-reading my old blog posts but i can't remember now... i'm getting old... as seen in my abysmal capabilities at memory and the fact that i'm re-reading my blog...
anyways...

it's a quiet night tonight... folks are out and everything... so the i have the whole house to myself... cars... trains... the whirr of the computer... speaking of which...
sometimes i really wish my computer would make more noise... like blow up or something when it has a problem... that's definitely comparable to just shutting up and refusing to work... i swear sometimes it deliberatle antagonizes me... Murphy's Law at work... oh... look what i found... Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
which means i should technically be treating my work with as little regard as possible... and thus it would be less open to the attacks of a malicious computer intent on making my life difficult... the preferred method of which would be to decide to hang the very moment before i decide to save... and after i feel accomplished that i've done so much...

yes... well...
i don't have much else to say... 'nighty then...

hello...
now i know i haven't written anything for the longest time...well don't dial nine-nine-nine... i'm back...

i've realized in the past few days that my next few months will be a huge, long... unbearably mundane... yes important and inevitable... marathon... a true test of my mental stamina...

but then and again... we all will have to keep running for our whole long lives don't we...?
hmm... i'd figure from all this that a slow jog would do me better... a stroll even more so...

it seems that at the end of every engagement i may have... another one comes along... that's why i suppose some friends have said that i make myself too busy... well the only defense i have is that at the end of the day... as much as i hate this expression... i need my food for the soul... athletes need to run... artists need to dream... and i suppose pigs have to sleep...
moral of the story...? it's best to be an artist pig... then you can sleep and dream at the some time...

... wait... not making much sense am i...? ah... but ambiguity is an art... as "uncertainty in meaning is incipient poetry"... (that by the way... was from Owen in Brian Friel's 'Translations'...)

i've been mugging see... and some lines inevitably stick in my grey matter... so no it's not movie quotes i'm spouting... not something off the latest sitcoms...
it's fine literature...

a bit of a sad life yar...

haha... but honestly... the sad life part would probably be from someone else's point of view... i mean...i pretty much love my life yar... as some acquaintances and friends of mine who have witnessed my indefatigable ego might attest to...
and even go so far as to say that i not only love my life... i love myself... too much...

ha... well i'm sorry if my ego invades your personal space... i for one call it self-affirmation...

i am tall...
i am handsome...
i am smart...

and oh by the way the washroom's in the other room if you wanna puke...
haha...

ah... tired after a long week... it seems that they've intensified our timetables... so that we go off early but drained like usual... maybe even more so... haha... but i shouldn't be complaining should i...?
oh wait... i should be... there's an essay awaiting...

oh since i'm on a whining streak... i reformatted my computer... i lost all my nice songs... with the exception of the fourty eight that i took with me to Kuantan... i cannot compose... cannot arrange while i wait for the software to arrive through the mail... i feel the yearning urge to give voice to the music in my head...
yes i have music going on in my head... voices too sometimes... but that's not the point...
if this goes on any longer i am going to start doing it the old fashioned way... pen on manuscript... i find it therapeutic by the way... notwithstanding that without any aural aids whatever i write is largely rubbish...

oh well...

hello...

i'm high cos i can't give a damn though i'm sad cos i'm freaked cos i'm not alarmed when i'm happy cos i didn't study...

go on... deconstruct at will...
haha...

anyway... spent another hour or so on my flute again today... haha... i realize it's my own personal prozac... nice...and it doesn't wear off fast...which means i'm still pretty jumpy now...
boing...

anyway... 3rd Study from Luigi Hugues 6 Studies... beautiful... in the style of the great romantic solos... subtle at times... passionate in other moments... always expressive... emotional... it's the rare piece that makes me yearn to improve and develop my skills to the fullest... so that i may for one small moment hear the piece unmarred by my human imperfections... as i hear it performed in my mind's ear...

anyways... before some of you out there complain that i'm getting too Hallmark-ish of late... well...

i'll do as i very well please...

ha... if i've incensed you so much that you now feel a tight pain in your chest... or a sudden numbness contained in either side of your body...well... i won't be held responsible...

and oh by the way i'll be free anytime if you want to list me as your sole beneficiary...

ah... the high's almost worn off now...

and so again i'm sitting in front of the monitor listening to the sound of the night wash past outside my window... tonight it's the endless roar of vehicles as they pass my way...
the sound crescendoes... till it seems right outside the window... then dies off into the ringing silence...
it's not the sound that means anything... it doesn't... it's what it implies...
i wonder at the immensity of life on earth... how every single driver driving past me now as i'm sitting and writing probably has a story to fill a dozen tomes... and if every second or so another driver comes along... with a passenger or two... then how long will it take to listen to all their stories...?

oh well... that's more than enough to keep us all occupied for a few days yet...
nighty people...

hello everybody...

hmm...
seems like i'll be blogging less and less as the days go by... my prophecy is fulfilling itself... oh well... i doubt we'll have time to come check out anyway... so yes... treasure these days as long as they're here...
speaking of which... many people tell me i should enjoy my life as a student... haha... if that's the case... then life's sad man...

ah whatever...
two words to tide across almost any crisis...
nonchalance doesn't appeal much to me... maybe in politics... but not in life... i often need to be in the thick of things... know what's going on... haha... but ironically... at times when everything goes on overload... well...
ah whatever... it'll just have to suffice...

anyways...

woohoo... just won another round of solitaire... yay... don't you dare say i have a sad life... i'm warning you now...
solitaire's fun...

on to something else... i'm realized i can't see things everyone's way... so don't look at me when i disagree with you as if i've just denied you your unalienable human rights...

and personally... i couldn't care less if people treat me badly or stuff... as long as you don't murder me that's fine... so that means there's really no need to keep telling me to stand up for myself... poeple can walk all over my head for all i care... i daresay the experience as a doormat would be pretty enlightening...

if anyone disagrees with me that's fine... no need to blow your top... chill man...
i mean... life's tough yar... no need to make it any tougher by giving youself any stress... live and let live... get so stressed over nothing... keep everything bubbling inside... and one day we're all gonna implode... and then what's left...?

birds shall rule the earth... and any remaining humans caught sneezing...
well...

and finally... i'm not hinting at anybody... this is... for everybody... at everybody...
so have fun everybody... life's short, tough... and probably bitter... just like a bit of rat-gnawed and rotten... beef jerky...
ha... but we've all got to eat don't we...

hello everybody...
i'm back... after a long hiatus invoving an errant computer and a user driven to the depths of desperation...

everything's gone... i had to format the entire stupid computer... haha... i should extend my gratitude to the twenty or so diskettes that saved some of my more beloved files... such as all the music i ever wrote... thank goodness for that... if i lost all of that...
anyway... deepest thanks my thin... black... shiny disc in sturdy plastic... friends... for saving all that data...

speaking of which... i have learnt one thing from the entire experience... i now can navigate MS-DOS... and for those of you out there going huh... it's a testimony to the depth of this lost skill... so lost that many don't even know it exists... and i have it... bwahaha...

right... tired and losing my mind... what really happened was that i copied... file by painstaking file... all of two hundred megabytes of data... by 1.44 megabyte discs... i will never forget that experience...

many other things to say... but the flesh is too weak to continue...
i will be back soon... in the meantime... one of my favourites...


Since brass, nor stone, nor earth, nor boundless sea,
But sad mortality o'er-sways their power,
How with this rage shall beauty hold a plea,
Whose action is no stronger than a flower?

O, how shall summer's honey breath hold out
Against the wreckful siege of batt'ring days,
When rocks impregnable are not so stout,
Nor gates of steel so strong, but Time decays?

O fearful meditation! where, alack,
Shall Time's best jewel from Time's chest lie hid?
Or what strong hand can hold his swift foot back?
Or who his spoil of beauty can forbid?

O, none, unless this miracle have might,
That in black ink my love may still shine bright.

-William Shakespeare, Sonnet LXV

hello...

the poem i posted is not crappy... it's quite good... just a bit saccharine for some of your "mature" tastes... but i and i alone can see the simple beauty of things... i and i alone in my childlike innocence...
it is quite untrue to say that all beautiful poetry is shallow and relatively meaningless... beauty... or rather the observation thereof in poetry... can be intensely painful... for it shows us flawed humans the extent of our imperfections... still... even in poetry that seems to showcase only beauty and nothing else... it gives us hope in that we can claim to share an existence with something... anything in fact... so close to perfection...

anyway... some of the critically significant points in the poem... to show that it's not crappy...

"I Thought of You"

I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.

- Sarah Teasdale

1) natural imagery, both visual and aural - as seen in "thunder", "dunes", "sea". such images seem to emphasize the scope and immensity of the persona's longing and by extension, the applicability of the truth presented within. manipulation of the images can be said to be additional highlighting of the dark mood of the poem. "measured" implies a thunder devoid of the usual association of passion and spontaneity. "echoing", implying harsh solitude, and "cold", the immensity of the entire ocean, yet devoid of any hope for companionship. further emphasis in the alliterative "sparkling silver of the sea" of the sight that is at once beautiful, yet significant in it's symbolism of loneliness. even more significant perhaps would be the (meta)physical placement of the persona between both images, equally devoid of warmth. compare also the "long beach" to the "dunes"; there is painful truth even in the rare moments of beauty, almost a foreshadowing.

2) 'th' sounds - slows down the rhythm of the piece in that it literally forces the reader to approach the lines in a slower, more contemplative pace. also note the soothing nature of the sound produced. for examples "thought", "this", "thunder", "death", "lengthen". some of these occur more than once in the same line, adding to the slowing down of the pace.

3) rhyme scheme - by "alone" and "monotone", the feminine rhyme emphasizes the dying, longing mood of the poem. in the second stanza, the AABA rhyme scheme that can be said to quicken the pace of the lines underlines the stark truth and unending significance of "pass through death and ages lengthen/ Before you hear that sound again". the quickening of the pace can also be compared to the extremely long passage of time in "ages lengthen", and in between life and "death".

ah... and for those of you unfortunate souls to have never seen the richness of life in the written word... well... here's a glimpse... possibly to fire your imaginations...
and for the seasoned critics of fine verse... admit mine humble interpretations into your esteemed thoughts and be not too critical of me, and of mine limited skills...

do not ask me why is my language regressing slowly into historical modes... i don't know either... sounded nice... just so...

so that's about all the time i have for tonight... sleep calls... it never seems to be sated no many how many hours i devote to it... pleasing its calls and filling that bottomless void that is its hunger...
haha...

hmm... let's see now...

ah... it seems that there's no rest for the weary... just mere shadows of it... even when we can and do take a break... some pesky bit of some irritating thing... like school... stays at the back of our heads...
so there...
ah well... i suppose it keeps us all on our toes doesn't it...? stressed also... but alert...
oh who am i bluffing...?

haha... sardonic mood today... probably a result of the long nap i had in the afternoon... suddenly everything in the world seems to matter far less than it previously did... actually one thing does matter... or two...
eating...
sleeping...
sigh... just tired... that's all... tired of waiting... tired of thinking... of studying... stressing... and waking up at six every morning... ha...
but despite that we will still climb labouriously every morning... we will still toil and muddle... all for some liquid promise of rewards to come...
huh...? i don't really get it... but i seldom question do i...?

anyways... lovely poem here... i know it's on the trashy side but it's gonna be up for only a week so enjoy...


"I Thought of You"

I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.

- Sarah Teasdale

so i spend the whole day typing the stupid essay... and then i go what...?
"oh yar... the printer's out of ink..." damn it...

oh well... i shall go to school tomorrow and donate money to the library to print the essay out...
but are the computers in the library up and working...? damn it...

ah... tired... and for the sake of continuing a pattern... damn it...

haha...
'night...

i'm back now... ah... long one to go... somehow i managed to write plenty when i was away...

1)
so i'm sitting at the patio outside the hotel room now... it's almost picture perfect... sand, stars, solitude... creaking swings in the distance... creepy... yes... but ultimately very beautiful... we should invest in less street lighting and let the stars fire up the imaginations of everyone... i mean... look at this place... the sky's not exceptionally clear... but i see stars i've never seen at home... ah... for want of darkness to see the beauty of natural starlight...

on another note... left the house at seven and checked in at eight... post meridian... the journey wasn't exceptionally long... oh no... it's thanks to the two hours in the jam at checkpoint and another four hours wasted plying the beach looking for accommodation for the night... that leaves six hours on the road and one for meals... haha... oh well... it's not the destination... but the journey that counts... now who said that...?
the only thing spoiling the night now are the man talking at the top of his voice next door... and my discman skipping at all the nice parts... oh well... can't win 'em all can you...?

on my first impressions on seeing the beach...
the sky's a washed-out blue... almost as if it were pure white but with the slightest hint of blue... a mirror reflecting azure sea but screened by the clouds...
and the sea... how can i forget that...? the colour of steel... mixed with grey... and with the final hint of greenish-blue... the colour of jade... swirled into molten silver and the mother-of-blackest-pearls... now don't be mistaken that it's dirty... far from it... it's probably cleaner than most... that colour... it's the colour of the deep and timeless ocean... to quote James Horner...

ah... now for my favourite part... sunset... now imagine for a moment that you can see a sunset... without the sun... you see... i'm on the east coast... and the sun sets in the west... almost two hundred kilometres off...
so the sky deepens in it's regular sequence... but without the scorching sun to hasten the gradations... so the great white-blue deepens to azure... and the whole sky becomes a sea... no great whirlpool of gold to upset the palette... and the sea changes again...now tinged with blood... and in a few moments... tinged with the first drops of early night... so the penultimate scene opens... full, grand, infinite... purple... the colour of beautiful sunset... washed across the entirety of the heavens... covering even the sun... and imperceptibly but quickly... it all disappears to night...
ah... beauty and brevity... which one engenders the other...?

silence now...

2)
i'm sitting before the pool now... and just off it's the South China Sea... i suppose i'd appreciate the sound of the waves and gentle trickling of the pool better if my ears weren't clogged up with a mixture of seawater and chlorine... ah well...

the beach at night can be pretty scary... it's an infinite blackness... one stretching off to the deep sea's secrets... and the other the infinite black universe... and both perfect mirrors of each other... surf on one... clouds on the other... ships on one... starlight for the other... if i swim out now... will i meet my black familiar...?

spent the day at the beach... or the pool... actually alternating between both... it's been a long time... not since i was five or six... that i've seen waves so strong they knock me over... in that small instance... where sea and humans tease each other... there lies a painful... stark truth... man is weak... the sea may nourish... feed and guide us... but it is no mother... the sea... she is brutal... tempestuous sister of the Ice Queen... she who has sharks for icicles and stinging poison for biting ice... and to match every bit of glacial beauty... her lies masked in the sound of wave on shore... and her infinite mirror to borrow the beauty of the entire heavens...

oh... but love can be foolish... and Cupid may yet make sport of men... the sea still holds my heart... even when one knows the sheer futility of Hope... and sees Love take it's dying breath... Longing... Longing half-sister to Love and Hope... mourns their passing... and in the heart she will remain... till Hope awakes again... and Love is given life... like warm grey embers when wind breathes upon them...

where will my journey end...?

"journeys end in lovers meeting"
-Shakespeare, 'All's Well that Ends Well'

3)
oh well... tomorrow i'll be making my way back... end of a holiday... well at least this one's better than some others...

switched resorts today... me folks said they wanted to try out... see which one's better... well... for the record the former was... so there... haha...

so i'm sitting at the balcony now... looking down at the pool... and the final groups of diners finishing and leaving the poolside restaurant... no stars tonight...the clouds came in the evening... as i was dozing by the poolside... and now they still hang in the sky... oh well... it gives a totally different perspective to the night sky... something i'll never see at home... a darkness so fluid and engulfing that i seems to descend upon the earth... masking roofs and treetops... yes... you could say that the night is so deep... you can't see where it begins and land, sea, and earth end...

i realize one thing bad about taking a vacation... you if you dare to dream in a perfect life... such as that in a holiday... you awake expecting too much from life... you half-hear the voice of a certain someone calling in the sea-borne wind... you find yourself looking forward to a slow stroll on the beach as night sets in... but that walk is not to be... at least not in the manner... not with the one... that you first... and most earnestly dreamed of...
if warmth of flesh cannot be... then the raggy shawls of memory will have to suffice... won't it...?
the wind that blows here is no different form any other... yet i can feel the hope in it... why...? distance...
one's hope... ironically... grows with distace... standing beside the one that means the most... but being reciprocated with painful nonchalance... that heralds despair and desolation... but go off further... put the mass of land and sea in between... and one finds hope springing alive once again... after all... in that few days incommunicado... hearts may change... one may reasonably expect to receive a few small surprises on the journey... and final reaching home...
so i'll return tomorrow... perhaps to take up where i left off... perhaps to a new beginning... but most likely to continue waiting...

congratulations... you've gotten to the end of it all... the original autograph manuscript of the above is available...

haha...
'night...

hello...

well... i'm off in a few hours time... have fun everybody... i shall be finding out the effects of potentially depressive... but also very beautiful literature combined with a seven hour car ride...

have fun everybody...
this is a good chance to flood my tagboard...

hello...

i had wanted to talk about literature... ah... but well... can't bring myself to look deep into Plath again... i might just sink into interminable depression... the sheer power of her words...
and mind you... i'm not saying that her works are hallmarks of beaty... oh no... far from that... the sheer horror and brutality of her words is what shocks... there are of course moments of true beauty... precariously suspended... but then and again... is not their beauty partly a product of the fact that they occur so infrequently in her writings...?

do not endlessly tag on my blog about Plath... this is not... i repeat not... a forum for you to discuss her work...
comments about me... me and me alone... are on the other hand most welcome... it's always about me ain't it...?

haha... ah well... we should all indulge in a little ego... it's called self-affirmation... works wonders... really...

on another note... tonight was an unusually clear night... i could for once see that stars really do shimmer and twinkle... kinda sad that i have to experience this for real only when i'm eighteen... oh well... better late than never...
anyway... pretty sight... and i think i'm quite lucky... walking out of the house in the morning i can see venus... and walking back i can see her as she sets into the evening horizon... haha... little graces to light my day...

it's getting late... but not late enough... haha... i have to sleep nonetheless... did you know that the required time of sleep for us is 9.2 hours everyday...?
wow... imagine my life if i could do that...

sometimes... life throws us the smallest glimmers of hope... almost as if mocking our human... and thus infinite penchant for hope... yet with all the knowledge to rival perhaps even nature... wisdom that is our claim as the one of the few enlightened species of the planet... we still foolishly hold on to love and hope... the greatest intangibles with the greatest power...

'nighty everyone...

'lo...

i blame it on my birthright... pisceans are dreamers... straddling past recollections and future dreams... but seldom rooted in the present... but then and again... who cares if i'm a dreamer...? dreams... fantasy... memory... what happens when they all blur into one fantastical illusion...?

you go mad... that's what...

anyways... my mood's swinging around... haha... see this way now... and saw another in about seven minutes and thirty-two point five seconds... and so on so forth... but all largely unpleasant...
the moon has waxed past its pregnant peak... and we all go slightly mad... hmm... maybe i suffer from mild lycanthropy...
howl...

lame yar... ah well... just feeling generally cranky... not depressed... as some people have observed of me...
no... i'm not depressed... just moody... slight difference there... fine distinction... firstly and most importantly... (to you all at least...) is that moody... can mean the kind that makes people swoon at my knees...

or at least most people...

sigh... so many things to say that i can't find words for... not in writing... nor in poetry... and alas... not even in my solace of music... or rather... the emotions well up when i'm alone and helpless with no way to seek expression... but sitting down now... i find no such inspiration to write... traitorous heart...

ah well... in pining i hope i'll find my pinetree...

"I’d watched the sorrow of the evening sky,
And smelt the sea, and earth, and the warm clover,
And heard the waves, and the seagull’s mocking cry.

And in them all was only the old cry,
That song they always sing—“The best is over!
You may remember now, and think, and sigh,
O silly lover!”
And I was tired and sick that all was over,
And because I,
For all my thinking, never could recover
One moment of the good hours that were over.
And I was sorry and sick, and wished to die.

Then from the sad west turning wearily,
I saw the pines against the white north sky,
Very beautiful, and still, and bending over
Their sharp black heads against a quiet sky.
And there was peace in them; and I
Was happy, and forgot to play the lover,
And laughed, and did no longer wish to die;
Being glad of you, O pine-trees and the sky!"
- Rupert Brooke, 'Pine-Trees and the Sky: Evening'

hello...

a short one for today... all the late nights are catching up on me...
i shall sleep early today... a rare treat... paid for in tomorrow's guilt... but then and again...
tomorrow's tomorrow isn't it...? ah...

sigh... tired... like i've never really felt before... so tired even sleep is sadly inadequate... and the sheets are too cold... too lonely anyway... i'm sorry people if i'm writing confusing depressing stuff... but it is my place after all...
when was the last time i could just turn around and find a ready rest for my burdens...? it's really tiring sometimes... facing the world all the time... seeing and dealing with what people think of me... or what i should be doing... or doing things that i don't really want to do in the first place... taking lead and assuming responsibility...
once... that was all... when i could just be myself and enjoy it... shrinking my personality and just letting someone else take the limelight... the lead... while i just sit around... contented with following...
even that too couldn't last... ah well...

sleep beckons...

hello...

haha... cactus heaven... that's a comforting thought...

this is bewildering... i am hardly into the new week and i'm exhausted... if i didn't know better i would think i'm suffering from some weird disease... like anaemia or something like that...
hmm...

still... i insist on the late nights... haha... hopefully i'll stay long enough to get my mind so clouded over so that when i lapse into sleep i can easily slip into fantasy and dream... or long enough that it starts raining again... then i'll go sleep curled up in my fleece blanket... and dream...
i can hear the crickets call now... and the occasional toad... the nightscape is fascinating... so sensual... wet grass... chirp and croak... the sound of the world so alive while we all slumber...

ah... before i forget... i will be gone over the weekend... up till the next tuesday... so don't come here looking for updates and getting all disappointed when my voice can't be seen gracing your life... i'll be back... don't worry...
on the other hand... if you think you want to flood my tagboard with meaningless... potentially slanderous stuff... then's the best time...
have fun everybody... waiting or flaming as the case may be... ha...

was looking through all my old stuff today... looking for some notes gone missing... and guess what i found... old essays... goodness... some of that stuff i wrote last year deserve only one position... the landfill... how on earth i wrote like that before i cannot fathom...
it's quite humbling you know... looking through your old stuff... keeps you grounded in the knowledge that no matter how good you are now... you weren't born a genius... with the exception of those pesky... intellectually gifted people...

haha... getting bitter are we...?

and the day's approaching... ah well... i know nobody knows what i'm talking about but i write it anyway because it's true...
it's been a long time... and somehow i don't think things have changed on my side of the world... somehow everytime chance presents itself... its just passing... yet lingering... anticipated and yet tinged with resignation... like as if that chance were the last i would ever get... somehow hope and waiting have twined their tender stems into my life...
it's not that i'm bitter or anything... i just want to sleep as i did in days gone by...
go back across the bridge and take another walk...
take the bus back to where i came from...

no i'm not depressed... just sad...

"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.' "
-Pablo Neruda 'Tonight I can write the saddest lines'

my cactus died... so there's the very last one of them now gone to nothing... back to mother earth from whence it first was begotten... bloody hell...
now i have three empty earthen pots sitting on my windowsill with little bits of rotting cactus in them... i don't have green fingers and here's the living proof of it... pun intended...

anyway... got a new cover for my phone... now it looks space age... and that's not exactly flattering... looks like something Spock would use...

and my tagboard seems to be down... so everybody hold all your words of adoration and praise till it's up again ok...

was raining furiously today... i realise that where the wind and rain are so equally strong... it rains in waves... almost like there's a sea suspended in mid-air and the torrents are waves... surf breaking wherever the wind falters... and the trees... symbols of strength and will... just dance to the howl like clinging seaweed...
only buildings... those remain like rock and coral... rigid and immobile... but unlike coral... have no organic beauty... just cold brick and mortar... glass and steel...

nonetheless... i still like the rain...

the pregnant sky is an awe inspiring sight... clouds so dense that they seem within human reach... as if all you had to do was reach out... and the sky... heavied and thus brought down from airy heights... would be at your fingertips... maybe that's why rain has become such fascination in so many cultures...not only is there life-giving water from the sky... rain is a communion between heaven and earth...
so is evaporation you may say... ah... but can we see evaporation at work...? all we can do is see water disappear and guess... see the part and infer the whole...

ah... just finished a word puzzle on 'easy going'... took me 49:57... ironically... looking for 'becalmed' was anything but becalming... ah well... whee...

haha... i shall be off now...
zzz...

hello...

what shall i say... hmm...

oh yes... read Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere... i realized that if you want to write a novel and have it sell... there's a scheme... and a rather fixed one at that... to follow...

Tom/Dick/Harry Potter (delete where applicable) gets thrown into the world of The Enchanted Forest/Wizarding London/London Sewers/Disneyworld and finds out he's part of the elite Pixie/Sewer Alligator/ Ridiculous Helium Voiced Cartoon/Wizard class... so he goes to find out more from The Boss/The Angel/Head Wizard/Mother Alligator and is directed to find/kill/spy on The Infamous Snake Eye Pale Face/Missing Miscellaneous Jewellery/The Alligator Skin Louis Vuitton Purse/Mickey's Ears in order to save the entire world and at the same time guarantee himself safe passage Back To The Real World/In The Other World... he way he finds a trusty sidekick(s) to guide him... (optional double-crossing here)... and finally finds what he set out for... but he's totally confused as to how it all works out and suddenly the Hooded Guy/Green Fairy/Man In Suit appears and helps him out and Mysteriously Disappears/Turns Out To Be The Misunderstood Bad Guy...

and so on so forth...

ah well... maybe that's why... as i have previously demonstrated... i should not go into creative writing... haha...

ah... as i write the day has passed.... and i'm already more than an hour into the new day and month... so tired... i just wanna forget everything and just sleep... haha...
maybe that's why i'm looking forward to my trip out later next week... just days of lazing around and feeling rich... ah... lets see if relaxation does me in or makes me...

on another note... (a B double-sharp i think...)
life's getting boring... everything's over... there's nothing much left to do other than mug... ah well... let's hope time does pass fast... then i'm off to play at soldiers...
whatever...

this post is the only barely reasonably respectably long enough this week... and yes the consecutive adjectives were intended...

zzz...