well well it's been a while since i really wrote anything that's really important here...

and this means that this is another post that people don't really read but skim through cos of my loquacity...
but then and again i suppose this is for myself to read...

and it's been a rather long year now and it's drawing to an end...

well there was the A's last year... but that all seems rather far away now... i remember vaguely still how it felt like to be studying... and i remember how it feels like when it all seemed so lost...

and of course there were the carefully snuck in card game and ghost story sessions in between studying...

it's really weird now when i look back in retrospect and see myself struggling through all that... it's not that i think that i'd rather it be any other way, it's more like i can't see that in me now... this year has been so... dramatic... that i really don't see that guy in me anymore... that guy with the messed up hair, steel specs, and trousers too short...
i like to think he was cute... in a goofy sort of way... but then there were times when he recessed into his own silent world, despite all the life and colour he could also present... so i suppose he had his own baggage to carry around and was trying to cover up for it but didn't realise he should have just lived with it...

so this year's good cos i've let it all go and started to live with it...
which, really, feels kinda good...

then there was that man passionately in love with music and dreaming always of pursuing it with only his life and the shirt on his back... i think i can still identify with that part of me... but it seems that the longer i dally here in my current occupation the lesser i think i should go there...
i really have no guts to carry through with all that... and it does take a rather huge lot of courage, nerve and hardwork to make it as a musician...

or at least the kind that i want to be not the kinds i see sometimes...

it's kinda sad that i'm thinking of giving up on this dream... i've been nursing it since i was a kid and it's really the only thing i've thought about seriously... i remember once when i was conducting a concert a friend said later that that was the one time i looked really happy... i still love the way it feels when i create beautiful music... i still want to be that kind of artist...
but it's also a kind of cartharsis to be able to look at my future without having a sort of veil upon it...
so now it's like i'm a kid again and i can be almost anything i want to...

which isn't all that bad...

then there was that unexpected boon... that happy surprise of my A's results... it's really for me an eye-opener to see how much we humans can be so terribly greedy...
i remember i was once happy with just scraping a pass... but then now we're all aiming for scholarships and special programmes and all that...

it's not a bad thing to strive for better things... but it seems funny to forget all too suddenly that not too long ago that was all a laughable dream...

i don't deny that somewhere along the way when i was failing specttacularly i was also harbouring fantasies that i would do how i finally did in my exams... i suppose it's a way of telling myself that dreams do come true...
it's a funny thing to say... and i suppose even funnier now you're reading it...

but funnily enough... i believe in it...

and then not too long ago there was army and Tekong and all that horror...
and the light at the end of the tunnel...

Tekong was just one unimaginable terror... and when i sometimes say that i've clean forgotten about it, as a defence mechanism so i don't break down, sometimes i really mean it...

i know that a very close friend of mine who might be reading this now has gone through what pretty much makes Tekong a holiday in Malibu... but this is my life... and to me it is how i really feel...

some people take it as a rite of passage... as a mark of manhood... until now i am tempted to write volumes in high heroic prose to show my utter indignation at a race that can take the opening of young men's eyes to violence and warfare as a mark of maturity...
but i won't... i'll just let it go because i've seen how totally useless it can be arguing against this system...

but then i got it easy... i'm now spending my days in a vocation that i really enjoy... despite what my colleagues say about it...
i'm really happy where i am now... i've met people that i really don't think i could have met anywhere else and these people have made such a difference... and i'm really glad for it... it's not to say that all there is to it is fun and hahas.... there's also a lot of discovery and growing up... a lot of stuff that i've learned here...
there's all the colours and life and vibrancy of this place... i suppose there's also a fair bit of politics and gossip... but i can deal with that... it just takes the right perspective on things...

suddenly there's a lull in my mind... there seems to be a lot of stuff that i want to put down still but i don't know where to start or how to say it...
but then and again i think this is enough for one night...

and i really wonder who really reads all this... like seriously reads...
haha...

10 years ago I was: thinking i was an overachiever and aiming to get into the Special stream. what a joke.

5 years ago I was: crushed that i couldn't do Lit cos they decided it wouldn't be practical to start a class for two students.

1 year ago I was: done with my A's and totally exhausted. soon going into Tekong and totally crushed.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1) chocolate.
2) chips.
3) fried stuff.
4) sweet stuff.
5) biscuits. the rich type.

5 songs I know all the words to:
1) Misty.
that's all i know seeing that the song is so short. people sometimes say i don't stop singing and that's quite true but it's always just bits and pieces all over the place.

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
1) go shopping. like duh.
2) buy a nice house that's just right for two.
3) study everything i ever wanted to seeing that i don't have to work.
4) travel the world.
5) invest the rest. the broad, conservative kind of investment that has returns and risks that are equally small.

5 places I would run away to:
1) out into the open. like just go wander the streets.
2) the library.
3) leonard's. this being a figure of speech. i don't run to his place. more like i call him up.
4) my flute.
5) my bed. normally if i cry it's in bed.
i don't really know what this is about. so these are places i go to when i'm down.

5 things I would never wear:
1) women's undergarments.
2) a superhero outfit. my kinda superhero wears normal stuff. not like a cape and bright flashy undies on the outside.
3) shocking pink.
4) bodyhugging stuff. for as long as i'm too lazy to work out to get a hot bod.
5) nothing. that's if i'm out of the house.

5 favorite tv shows:
1) The Simpsons.
2) Oprah.
3) Touched by an Angel. this solely for the weepies
4) cartoons.
5) CSI.
actually most of the time i just channel surf. pretty boring.

5 bad habits:
1) airing my ego.
2) procrastination
3) so i suppose sloth is somewhere here too.
4) i stutter. sometimes.
5) picking at my nails.
i had to think a whole darn lot for this. bwahahaha. thus the first one.

5 biggest joys:
1) eating.
2) hanging out with my close friends.
3) being in "just the two of us" world.
4) playing the flute.
5) singing.
and to this i should add daydreaming. see no. 3 above.

5 favorite toys:
1) my flute.
2) the computer.
3) my discman.
4) pen and paper. to doodle.
5) a piano to tinkle on.

5 fictional characters I would date:
1) Christian from Moulin Rouge.
2) Sita from The Last Vampire by Christopher Pike
3) Rachael from Dicken's Hard Times.
4) Myung Woo from Windstruck.
5) Harry Potter. this threw me into mad fits of laughter. the choice i mean, not the character.
goodness this is such an exercise in bimbocy.

5 people I tag to do this:
1) Zat.
2) the Hedonistic Freak.
3) Ontario.
4) Leonard.
5) Man.

Cheap Rhyme for a Dead Bird. (whose funeral was a rather undignified affair.)

T'was an October evening when first we laid eyes on it,
Dead, first and foremost, and also small, black and winged;
In a rather ugly pose it lay, a dead bird in a heap,
We gawked, we gaped, and then together, we all screamed.

We screamed, 'Bloody murder!' and we screamed when it flinched
It looked so ready to squawk all wide and awake.
But it really was just our nerves that on our eyes played tricks,
The bird was gone, finished, and dead.

Still we were screaming for we were beside ourselves with terror,
The sight of Death on our terrace far too much to bear.
At last a voice rang out, 'It croaked! and will squawk no further!
Now quieten down! you idiots with neither guts nor dare!'

Around it we milled like ants bereft of their scent,
No one wanted to touch it, even to just throw it out.
We were lost, confused, and really, scared out of our pants.
And the bird looked ready to rot while around it we crouched.

At last a spark sparked in my brain, and into the room I ran.
I took a book and tore out a page, we agreed anyway it was all trash.
With superior dexterity and uncanny control I executed my plan:
To scoop up the bird and throw it out, its final flight to its rest.

With a little nudging and shifting and coaxing
(I was rather unwilling to touch the creature you see,)
I set the bird nicely onto the page, as if it were just sleeping,
Then I was ready, all set to go, to cast the bird out into the night, finally, free!

And all this time the others loomed over my shoulder,
And had it in their minds to go, 'Squawk!' and set me screaming.
Ha! if only they had tried, for my mettle would see me through with nary a tremor
While they, what they lacked in pluck, they made up for in scheming.

But the story goes on, and I took aim and swung
The bird I hoped would land in Nature's green cradle.
But it seems my eye was rather off, and when it all was done,
'Thud!' was what we heard, not the rush of bushes gentle.

Alas, the creature had greatly suffered;
I had committed a terrible crime
Thrown over the rails, bounced off a shed like it didn't matter,
Like it wasn't worth a dime.

So down at the bird we gawked and gaped
And then started our screams anew.
It was just like when the bird was just discovered
With the stares and screaming 'till we were blue.

But we finally had some order restored,
And down the stairs we tumbled,
Ran out into the night and scanned the grassy floor
And saw the bird, dead (and very insulted).

So we stared at it and in a moment of sheer horror,
I almost saw its eyes cast a glassy gaze on me.
But then and again it was dead and a goner,
So it couldn't have been, but what if it could be?

But to the others it was just a poor creature, just a bird,
And so they rounded in a circle and looked down in pity
While it lay dead and undignified like carrion in the moonlit grasses.
And scorn and accusation, they reseved solely for me.

Now you must understand, that I was rather shaken
So at the back I stood and watched, at a loss of what to do.
Then out of the circle he left, and returned
with tissue, white the colour of mourning (procured from the loo).

He carried on to gently shroud the black bird in white,
And we all watched on as he went on, busy with his task.
It seemed that he had in mind to make my wrong right.
And when he was done he scooped it up and cast it into the shrubs.

When that was all good and done we left, hesitantly laughing,
And I was the butt of a fair bit of joking.

But remember now in the bushes not far below my bed.
A bird lies, after much misadventure and adventure, dead.

i'm on a spree...

You scored as Jean Grey. Jean Grey is likely the most powerful X-Man. She loves Cyclops very much but she has a soft spot for Wolverine. She's psychic so she can sense how others are feeling and tries to help them. She also has to control her amazing powers or the malevolent Phoenix entity could take control of her and wreak havok. Powers: Telekinesis and telepathy Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

You are like an Ocean. Mysterious but Beautiful.
You have a wonderful thing inside you and
people will never know everything about you. You
have a lot of feelings but you always know how
to handle with them. You are very calm and
wise.


What random object of nature are you? ( with beautiful pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

ooh i know i just posted but this came up and so...


Goofy


Which DISNEY character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

hello there everybody...
it's been ages now hasn't it...
i've been busy catching up on my non-existent childhood as my teen years now see the beginning of the end...

i have been rather occupied by firstly, Shadowcaster, which was a rather cutting edge game for its time when i was still not yet a teen...

goodness that sounds so long ago...

and secondly... Adagio...
which is Italian for slowly...
but is in reality a space shooter that is anything but slow...

so anyway i've not been writing cos i'm either whacking ugly moles or crashing planes...

but now it's time to take a break...

and so i'm here...

...

and actually i've got nothing to say lar i'm just writing cos i'm quite unsettled at having not written anything for a while... people might think i'm dead or something yar...

ooh yar speaking of writing...

i've been thinking (intermittently between whacking ugly moles and crashing planes) about getting down to poetry seriously... it seems like nowadays i have the urge to write...

hmm...

ponders...

(a totally useless aside: my keyboard has been for a few days rather confused, mistaking and switching symbols about. it miraculously recovered and is now perfectly fine. the most irritating thing about it was that whenever i tried to type @ inverted commas came up instead and so all my email addresses were messed up.)

it seems unjustified to end my post with a totally useless aside so i shall continue to ponder for a while more and see what else swims up to the surface of my mind...

...

ooh yes... how on earth could i have forgotten...
the season of giving this way comes and i shall put up my (drumroll please...)

wishlist!

but before that let's have a look at my last one...
this was just before i sold my soul entered the service...

1) have fun in survive army (i realised the former's pretty idiotic yar...? kinda like an oxymoron...)
tick. like totally.

2) nice stuff to wear... that preferably goes with a buzzcut... ie. draw attention away from hair and make me look
like those Hollywood people who're going bald but lop everything off and call it fashion...
2a) more jeans...
2b) nice shirts... bossini... giodarno... U2... British India...
2c) shoes for all occasions...
2d) hat/cap/anything-to-cover-my head if 4) is unattainable...
tick. i don't have a buzzcut. tick. i have nice clothes. (i think.) i still only have one pair of shoes. not counting of course the ones i wear for work lar. like duh. so i want new shoes.

3) i tell you what ah... money... then i go get all that myself...
[big bout of canned laughter]

4) a buzzcut that won't make my head look like a bad case of fungal infestation...
see above.

5) new flute... ok wait... better flute... Yamaha 500 - 600 series...? ooh... Miyazawa/Sankyo...?
hello? Altus?

6) driving lessons...
too lazy. no time. really.

7) well since i'm at it... car...
8) oh what the heck... house...
yar i just put this in for kicks. but just for kicks let's just bemoan the fact that i don't have my own house and car. moan. ok now let's move on.

9) great good results... (let's not get too smart for our own good here shall we...)
uh huh. oh yeah. uh huh.

10) promising career prospects...
ah whatever lar. that's such a distant prospect now.

11) a job that i like...
11a) preferably nothing to do with numbers...
11b) preferably to do with music...
11c) teaching is acceptable...
11d) but not in primary school ie. no bratty 6 - 12 year olds...
tick. in a way lar. i sorta like what i do. and when i consider that i could be thrashing in the jungle like a misplaced and very grumpy wild boar i love what i do.

12) that the army will actually endow me with a hot bod... woot...
let's just ignore this and write it off as a bad bimbo moment shall we?

13) that 12) will not be achieved at the cost of my mental capacities...
hah. hah. hah. unfortunately entering the army is at the cost of my mental capacities. so there.

so having read that... here goes...
haha...

1) queen sized bed in my bunk. complete with throw pillows and comforter and duvet.

2) mp3 player.

3) since i wanted my hair to not be a disaster in the last wishlist i shall go one step further and now want a do that's actually like really good.

4) cds. like the good ones so that i can really support the people i feel are worth paying for.

5) a new computer. right now i sometimes feel like i'm trying to calculate pi to the thirteen billionth digit using a free-gift handheld calculator.

6) the complete Sandman series. see here

7) nice movies to watch. it doesn't matter where. meaning i don't mind either way going to the movies or getting vcds/dvds.

8) driving lessons, free, stress free, and free from failure.

9) a million bucks. (as in cold hard cash dahling. i already look like a million bucks. trust me i know.)

10) that Rowling will do a damn good job cleaning up the mess in the final Harry Potter book. and of course i want the book lar.

haha... so there... we all know what i want for Christmas and it ain't my two front teeth...

a very exhaustive (in content and to read) analysis of my birthday and name...
interesting...
i am now convinced that i am not alone in my verbosity...

credits go to PaulSadowski.Com for the name and birthday analyses...


Your date of conception was on or about 19 June 1985.
You were born on a Wednesday under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 3.

The number 3 Life Path is one that emphasizes expression, sociability, and creativity as the lesson to be learned in this life. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional creative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. The lesson to be learned with a 3 life path is that of achievement through expression. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your creative talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good conversationalist both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The creative imagination is present, if sometimes latent, as the 3 may not be moved to develop his talent. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive, however, and your disposition is almost surely sunny and open-hearted. You effectively cope with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounce back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down. You have good manners and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions. Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

On the negative side, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

Typically, the life path 3 gives an above-average ability in some art form. This can encompass painting, interior decorating, landscaping, crafts, writing, music, or the stage, or all of the above. You are apt to be a happy, inspired person, constantly seeking the stimuli of similar people. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446501.5.
The golden number for 1986 is 11.
The epact number for 1986 is 19.
The year 1986 was not a leap year.

As of 10/22/2005 12:35:20
You are 19 years old.
You are 235 months old.
You are 1,023 weeks old.
You are 7,164 days old.
You are 171,948 hours old.
You are 10,316,915 minutes old.
You are 619,014,920 seconds old.
You are 2.80391389432485 dog years old.
There are 141 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 20 candles


There are 10 letters in your name.
Those 10 letters total to 34
There are 5 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 7
The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studiousness, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3
A Soul Urge number of 3 means:
With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.

You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.

The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies. The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.

On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 22
An Inner Dream number of 22 means:
You dream of being a master organizer and a builder of monumental projects; of guiding a truly huge endeavor. Your secret fantasy is to think big and imagine what could be done for the world. You may also dream of the huge rewards.

i don't think anyone got here...
i didn't...
haha...

hello dahlings...

i've been beseiged by comments these days that i don't write anything that makes any sense at all...

there's a lot i have to say... about that...

and in general i'm just a talkative person...

but lets just address the abovementioned "about that"...
i talk to myself regularly... and when i do so the dialogue is often volatile and meandering in its myriad topics... this, however, is by no means indicative of a mind entrenched in madness...

my musings here... thus... are just verbatim copies... sometimes... of what goes on within my mind...
more often than not i try to censor and make some sense out of it so that you plebeian people can have a glimpse of what's going on in up-there...

but sometimes i go on a frenzy and i just let loose everything i have to say...

also... there's this little issue of what i want this place for... why i keep filling these pages with endless crap...
it's cos i think that i would want to remember what i was like as a person... so that i can look back and see how i've changed over time...

rather than keep a log of my daily activities...

two things...
uno... i don't have much daily going-ons that are fantastically interesting... if there are chances are i would write about them... work doesn't count...
and duo... if i wanted to rememer what i did... i could always visit the blogs of my friends who might just do a what-i-did-today and carry it off with far more style and panache than i could ever imagine to carry...

like if i did a what-i-did-today it would likely look like the log of a hired assassin who's been tailing me to gain precious information on my habits...

thus rather than tell everybody how i spent the day i think it would be more interesting (to me and only me it seems but what the heck) to write about my current mental state...

then when i come back again in months time it will be like i'm talking to myself from the past and i can see what i was like before... (and now i've done this before and most of the time i cringe when i read what i've written...)

haha... so there...

I walked the village at four o'clock

It was raining then, I remember. No, wait,
the rain had just exhausted itself, spent and lame. But
the sun-baked ground still wanted its
deception of softness, and called back the sulphurous spirits
of just-dead rain, clouding, mulling, till the ground was
a lake, shimmery, misty. Those silent twirls screamed at their
steaming resurrection.
And just beside this open ground,
newborn mice lay limp on flower stalks,
lost in bushes. They had skin like petals, pregnant
with fur; they were content consumed by
lidded oblivion, their eyelashes slivers like sickles
guarding the gates to those full round orbs of wonderment.
But they were sleeping, but they were sleeping. And I walked on,
and saw the buildings around me all shut up and
huddled, like galaxies, light-years
between each cluster, and
I was there in the middle. Even in their groups each building
was a star, apart from another at a distance
only stars know, and I was there, the
lone hut in the village. I was cold, the wind was
mourning the dead rain. But even then its death-dances were
lifting those very spirits up. It will rain again, and then the mice will
awaken and their eyes, beautiful eyes, will gaze in
lovely wonderment.