well just last night i've released my place at NUS so that some other person can have a go at it..
i just hope that it'll be as huge a gift to whoever gets it as the place i have now is to me..

hahaha..

ah life seems to be going extremely well now.. and i'm really happy for everything that's going right..

i'm headed exactly where i want go, i've got a good job that's neither boring nor a waste of my time, and financially, it works out pretty well too..

and well.. this line is intentionally cryptic, but the people i meet while on the job are so far, the best perks.
haha..

somehow, somewhere, deep inside me i'm afraid to say it out loud that life is great cos it might alert whatever forces that are conspiring to make life difficult for us all that there's this little bugger who they might have forgotten about..

haha but who cares?
life's great!!


i'd wanted to end the post there and then, but then i remembered something whiny i wrote a while back..

and it seems that when i wasn't expecting anyone to be listening out there, someone was.. cos i think it's just been proven to me that things can be as good as i want them to be, it just takes tremendous guts to dream big.

haha i'll just leave it at this for now..

well well well...

after 21 years of experience and life, i suppose this is so far the happiest dilemma i've ever had to face...

should i do my BA (Hons) Music in performance, or composition???

yay!

well hello it's been a rather long time now hasn't it.

the verbal drought here so far has been brought on, not only by work, but also because in recent weeks that have just passed i've found little reason to write. some things i don't see the need to tell everyone yet, and others are just, well, plain mundane.

well that's just another way of saying my life is boring...

so some time after coming back from a week long holiday in Krabi, Thailand, i received a letter that had in huge letter emblazoned across the top: ON GOVERNTMENT SERVICE. and so i thought to myself, ah what is it now... and when i flip it over i saw the stamp that said Division of Recruitment, Ministry of Education.

and i was like ohmyshitthebooboo. (thank you very much my dear friend at SMU from who i picked up this phase)

well it was a very poiltely worded letter saying that i was not chosen for the music teacher course.

so after that very impassioned post dealing with the whatnots about music and passion and shtuff like that this was a rather big shock, and also, well, slightly embarrassing. so for a good week or so, everytime i surfed round to my own blog and saw that huge long post i cringed, and then after a while the rhythm of blogging and its smooth, clicking cartharsis was forgotten.

until now, at least.

the other big happening in my life was, well, turning 21.

haha no big fanfares there, nothing much doing. i just spoilt myself with a ring and went out for dinner with the folks. i had been wondering for a rather long time what it would feel like to turn 21, and along the way expecting all manner of emotion ranging from nostalgia and depression to euphoria and a whole new sense of zomgtheworld'satmyfeet. but well reality, as i've fortunately (or not) learnt over these past 21 years, sucks.

it was boring. plain and simple boring.

and i don't mean this in a negative way, i don't feel any letdown or anything like that because my 21st was quite uneventful. i planned it to be that way and that's the way it turned out. i'm just surprised that after worrying that my mind and heart would go through some inner turmoil upon becoming of age nothing happened.

well.

maybe a piscean can be in control of those wild emotions after all.

but this very sedate coming of age has done one thing for me. i now have an acute fear of living a life of boredom and mediocrity. before, i always thought that admitting to this would be rather arrogant, but now i see that it's just the way things should be.

every post in recent memory has been one that ends on a positive note, and i fully intend to make this trend continue, and hopefully each positive note gets more and more, well, err, positive.

gawd it's too early in the morning to think.

to put it all briefly, this is the belated birthday post, and i'm so fully looking forward to what adult life has to offer...... (drumroll please...)

yay!

hello one and all this is the long overdue post.

which I'm afraid is a rather emo one..
but maybe the length of the post makes up for the length of time i've been absent from these pages...
oopsie haha..

and this is rather odd but i've just finished reading the completed post posted on my blog and i'm rather happy with it!

Work has become now a regular part of life, waking me at the proper times, and lulling me to sleep when time is up at the end of the day. Between charming young, power-house executives and middle(to old)-aged socialites to part with their hard-earned (or not) money, and taking stock and maintaining the display and doing all the tiddly things that come with making a living as a salesperson, however, lies puh-lenty of time for the mind to wander and wonder, at the meaning of the universe, and humanity, and the mysteries of life.

Yar right.

Actually all I selfishly think about are the mysteries of my life. Like if I'll be able to live life the way I want to, if I'll ever fall in love and walk off into the sunset, and if I'll get through the next week and keep the pounds off.

I've very recently (Tuesday this week, to be precise) applied to a course that will see me through four years of education in music education, and another five years as a music teacher in secondary schools. While previously it seemed so pretentious and premature to tell anyone but those closest of this grand masterplan (oh hear hear the dramatic tones are coming on even now) except in bits and pieces, as the days go by more and more the anxiety builds up and the irrational part of me says "hey, if so many people know and root for you, then maybe it'll come true after all!" and I think, "hmm, maybe the letdown of not getting it (ohdon'tsayitoutloudyou'lljinxit) and the embarrassment of everyone knowing that you tried so desperately may be reasonable risks to bear if in exchange some mystical force of the goodwill of friends would help your chances."

And of course, Leonard, ever the best friend, knows exactly, and intimately, what the hell I'm going on about.

And then slowly I find myself letting more and more out to the fanciful, flamboyant characters who patronise my stall. These nameless but never faceless ladies, some of which I'll never see again have become the first people who hear of my plans as if they were reality and not some hope I'm clinging to, and who know me as the jewellery salesman who's going to be a music teacher. They all wish me well, not to say that I'll charm the socks off the interview panel and pass the auditions with panache, but to say that I'll make a fine teacher, as if it were unavoidable as destiny. And as kitschy and Hallmarkesque as it may sound, the kindness of strangers surprises me.

So all that's left now is to very childishly proclaim and request: one and all, please please pretty please wish me luck!

Some nights are delirious with pleasure and anticipation, imagining I'm already where I want to be, and that's how I drift off to sleep, pretending to be teaching kids the mysteries of Do, Re, and Mi. Yet, sometimes, during harsh day the thought sometimes comes a-creeping, that perhaps even something as positive as this may be bound to the eternal rules of economics. What happens, then, if there's an opportunity cost to pursuing passion?

Now keep in mind that this year has Valentine's Day with all the hand-holding couples clutching bouquets walking right pass me every darn second (yes, commercial as that may be, eternal, hopeless, romantic that I am I succumb to that). And this year also has Lunar New Year where every single uncle, aunt and distant relative at the dinner table count off the girls to be married off and count off the guys that will one day bring a girl to the table and "hey," they say, "when all's good and done we'll be left with the same number of seats at the reunion dinner table!" and then they go on to very happily count off who's expected to be the next usher of good tidings for the family.

And, of course, at some point or another my name comes up and all I can do is smile the most politically correct smile I can muster and hope that those people won't notice, and a thousand thoughts (all of which completely unknowable and inconceivable to them) run through my mind.

So sometimes I wonder if life has enough goodness in it for me to pursue both my passion and fall hopelessly in love (yes I know it seems I'm going round in circles but it's all going to fall into place very soon, I promise) and of course, when that thought occurs to me at one of those moments when I'm thinking about whether I'm going to be called up for interviews and auditions for the teaching course I go ohmygodofcourseI'llchoosemusicoverlovehandsdown but then I catch myself, because I know how we weak humans have the propensity for making unwise wishes and promises, then I swing this way, then that, and then all of a sudden, I'm left lost and confused.

Leaving the restaurant tonight, for example, meant a drive past Clarke Quay, and glimpsing a sight of a long, quiet stretch of the river, and sudden and unbidden, a twinge twinged itself in my heart as I subconsciously told myself to remember that spot for a long, romantic, hand-holding, bouquet-clutching walk. Then I wonder if that future I just saw in my mind's eye means that the other future I see in my dreams must be forgotten. But the other passion then retaliates and I think, what if finding love (or even, God forbid, thinking about it) means I lose a small bit of hope for that future?

And then remember, that all of that is going on in my life while global warming and climate change and carbon emissions (which on a positive note has been acknowledged and for which plans for its rectification and amelioration have been put on top priority) and all of that that sounds like the end of the world goes on in the background, adding to my list of things to think about.

Yes, unbeknownst to most of you out there I'm quite a save-the-environment kinda guy. So recently I've decided to watch less TV, spend less time on the computer and not use the air-conditioner in my room; basically, cut fuel consumption. And, because I know, perhaps more than some, what it feels like to have someone else's convictions forced onto you, all I'm going to say is: think about it. Don't use your computer for a day, and when the people around you ask you why you make their lives difficult by shutting yourself off from the world, tell them exactly why. It sounds terribly like something we all cringe at when we read it in the National Geographic or hear it on the Discovery Channel, but I can't find another way of saying it without getting the message succinctly across (believe me, because at the dear cost of guzzling more electricity, I've tried).

Well that was a rather long and ponderous aside but it's something I've wanted to say for a long time now, and since I'm at it now I might as well get it out of me.

Well then, back to where I left off, things are never that perfect and defined, but for the sake of completion all I can say is that for now, at this point in time, at least, music still has the upper hand. After all, in all my (very limited) experience it's all that's left with me when I'm left nursing a broken heart. So that means that either, the optimist in me still has some way to go, or that I should prepare for a fulfilling life immersed in passion, and hopefully the music that sates the appetite of the ear can do as well in filling the stomach of the heart. But since I'm somewhat almost an optimist (see above) I refuse to believe in the latter choice that seems to mean living half a life.

So I tell myself, well maybe just not today, or tomorrow, or next week, or this year; but definitely one day you'll have your kitschy, Hallmarkesque, long and romantic, hand-holding, bouquet-clutching, riverside-strolling walk into the shielded-by-perfect-levels-of-carbon-in-the-air sunset.

And more often than not, that satisfies me.



(that, and because i'll be spending next week on a beach somewhere in Thailand)

yar i know it's terribly cheatergong for me to go and see one quiz on someone else's blog and then rip that quiz and at the same time post up a dozen other quizzes..

but blogthings.com is so terribly addictive...

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

You Are: 60% Dog, 40% Cat

You are a nice blend of cat and dog. You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful. And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.

Are You More Cat or Dog?

Cars

Stiller night alone
when the roar of cars waves crash crashing
into my room.
Cars, I wonder. Where, why,
thousand stories, one for each car.

I see a story for everyone,
solitude becomes loneliness
and I want to know my where, why,
know my own story.

hello again...

work has settled into an easy rhythm; waking up at the necessary time (sometimes of course lazing a little longer in bed), having breakfast with Oprah, the commute to town, and then getting ready to meet and greet all the wonderful (and not to miss out weird) people that we call shoppers.

it is, really, quite fun...

i guess i'm really blessed that the people that i work with every day (excluding the customers, that is) are nice, funny people that make the unavoidable lull between brisk hours pass by much faster..

every day i see so many people doing things that they'd rather not do. i can see how we all have to submit to that once in a while, but to do something you quite have no interest for for a living, and to immerse yourself in it every day of your life and then bemoan a meaningless, even painful existence...

somehow, although i know where i want to go and what i want to do, i worry sometimes that this may be a universal constant that few souls truly escape from.

why is it that we celebrate and laud the people who dare to make dreams come true, but so few of us step out to do what we really want to? maybe the world would really be a better place if we all dared to do what we really dream of doing.

i feel so childish asking questions like this..
not that i'm feeling bad, or down, or anything like that...

but sometimes, ranting at the world makes no difference but to make oneself feel better..

so the new year has started..

quite quietly for me, i must say.. i hardly saw it coming...
but then and again i'm never much of a new year kinda person...

work has taken up most of my time.. and in between work, practice, writing, arranging, and in general preparing for what i hope will be a very musical future.. i like the way i have something to do everyday, and that makes time pass so much faster, and saves idle minds like mine unnecessary pondering over useless things.

like yesterday when i had a particularly troubling dream.

it was one of those dreams that you know exactly who every character in the dream is because of the things you tell them and how you feel when you see them, but you never remember their faces. i remember what i said and did and felt, but i don't remember ever seeing the faces of the people i saw in my dream.

it was a particularly troubling dream because it makes me fear that after all this time and people and experiences i'm still stuck in a rut. but then i wake up and the dream is swallowed into the subconscious. and it's like drinking tea - all that is left is an aftertaste, and even then, barely the memory of a taste.

carrying that memory with me around the rest of the day i try to see if the dream means anything, but then i cannot see how it could be relevant in any way. i remember leaving that part of my life behind so long ago, and looking around my life now i find that i did leave it behind.

so now i'm wondering why i dreamt what i did...

hmm...

aaawwwwwww.............