hello there everybody...

ahh... the feeling of going out and coming home late and knowing that you can do the same for tomorrow and the day after is one that i truly relish...

seeing that i'm now free of the darn island which for so long had been my only source of blogging material... i shall indulge in what i best remember i did before...

indulge in my ego...

happy birthday to me!

haha... yes now would be a good time to hire an assassin, show him a furtively taken picture of me clipped to some vague documents in a manila folder, and say the magic word...

liquidate.

ah... it seems i'm on to my the thing i second best remember doing...

spouting utter rubbish...

but seriously... i feel really happy now that i'm out... and knowing that in all likelihood i won't ever have to go back...
i literally have nothing on my mind now... i don't have to worry about my studies... i don't have to worry about the next two years 'cos i know that worrying won't make a difference and i have no control over things anyway...

basically i've given up fretting over NS... it's a pointless exercise to me and it's also pointless to waste my precious mental resources on it... so many thing's i've missed out on over the last two years... composing... refining my music... writing... reading... catching all the movies i want to... all that i'm going to try and enjoy as much of as i can before i once again delve into academia...

my music especially... it's no longer about getting a job or going professional... i'm just going to pursue it for as far as i can and see where that brings me... i definitely still want to study it at an advanced level... but if i can't do it now... then i'll do it on my own...

all the practice on the flute that i've lost... i will try to make up for... it's not just about some vague projected standard that i think i would be at today if not for all those hours given up... it's really a somewhere i have to return to...

i remember as a flautist in my secondary school band i practised almost everyday... i remember sounding far better then than i do now... not in terms of expression and interpretation of course... but in terms of technique...

that's what i miss most... for all the interpretation and expression and depth that i can see in a work... it's utterly useless if i cannot articulate all that...
it can be... at times... depressingly frustrating...
but i don't feel depressed now... even after a thoroughly tiring session... and one making seemingly no headway at that...

haha... there's always tomorrow...

and there's composition...
so many thing's i've left unwritten... so many sketches left forgotten for so long that i myself have already forgotten what i imagined they should sound like... and the unfinished works all lying around...
it's not so much that i don't have the time for these... it's more that i don't have the energy to... i sometimes just have a look at them and i see all that has to be done... all the planning that has to be carried out before i write another few bars... all the editing and refining...
and i just tell myself to do it another day...

but now i may be physically exhausted... but i know that my mind will be hardly taxed...

i feel somewhat triumphant now...
this could be from...
1) the fact that i'm 19 and 20's just looming there one year away and i feel invincible...
2) the results, the freedom from tekong and plenty of free time put together...
3) that i'm looking forward to band practice tomorrow...
or
4) an amazing accumulation of sleep deprivation...

somehow i think it's the last...

thus i shall go to see if it really is...

ah... sweet sleep...