hello everybody...

i spent the good part of today packing up my room... clearing up stuff...
stuff all the way from primary school... old secondary school uniforms...

my grandma had said a few days back that any old stuff we had we could give to her... and she would donate it to some recycling people... and so i tied my stuff up into bundles...
unceremoniously at that... using raffia...

and then it hit me... about the easiest stuff to throw away...
toys you've outgrown... since they no longer mean much... they don't even bring back much memories... theey just sit forgotten... a tad bit sad...
those many excercise books and notepads that lie empty and unused... yes i know that school bookshops always urge people to buy more... heck... i can even memorise the entire spiel... but such empty and useless books are paler... both literally and metaphorically... far paler than those books etched... sometimes... in legacy of the sheer effort put in...

but some stuff you don't throw so easily...

it's a rather pathetic end to two years of toil to tie up all those essays... Fs to As no less... into bundles a la for rag-and-bone man collection...

so why... you ask... did i throw them away...?

well... what i want to keep is the effort that i put in... unfortunately that's not something you can shove into a drawer and take it out to admire from time to time...
that lives on... and could even die... in your mind and heart...
the stuff that i've written... stuff that at times have been proof of my superior command of the language...

in those papers and essays i seldom wrote what i truly believed in...

i believe in the intrinsic good of man... but it was the essay that argued otherwise that got me my A...
the soul of a nation cannot be truly reflected in the nature of its architecture... i believed in that... but...

this proves a point...
humanity's perceived strength in logic... one that may distinguish us from animals... seems to be deeply inadequate in the face of our other... and i believe... stronger... strength...

compassion...

but it seems that arguing this point always fails... after all arguing in what i believe in...
well...

i was practising on the flute again... the day before i think it was... and i was packing up my stuff...
flipping through the old scores... putting away the scores...

looking at a rather faithful score... or should i say i've been faithful to it...
it has after all been rather a permanent fixture in my file for two years now...

i held the file and felt like crying...

i wanted to write long... write much... dedicate words to this...

but it seems now i can't find my voice...