well well it's been a while since i really wrote anything that's really important here...
and this means that this is another post that people don't really read but skim through cos of my loquacity...
but then and again i suppose this is for myself to read...
and it's been a rather long year now and it's drawing to an end...
well there was the A's last year... but that all seems rather far away now... i remember vaguely still how it felt like to be studying... and i remember how it feels like when it all seemed so lost...
and of course there were the carefully snuck in card game and ghost story sessions in between studying...
it's really weird now when i look back in retrospect and see myself struggling through all that... it's not that i think that i'd rather it be any other way, it's more like i can't see that in me now... this year has been so... dramatic... that i really don't see that guy in me anymore... that guy with the messed up hair, steel specs, and trousers too short...
i like to think he was cute... in a goofy sort of way... but then there were times when he recessed into his own silent world, despite all the life and colour he could also present... so i suppose he had his own baggage to carry around and was trying to cover up for it but didn't realise he should have just lived with it...
so this year's good cos i've let it all go and started to live with it...
which, really, feels kinda good...
then there was that man passionately in love with music and dreaming always of pursuing it with only his life and the shirt on his back... i think i can still identify with that part of me... but it seems that the longer i dally here in my current occupation the lesser i think i should go there...
i really have no guts to carry through with all that... and it does take a rather huge lot of courage, nerve and hardwork to make it as a musician...
or at least the kind that i want to be not the kinds i see sometimes...
it's kinda sad that i'm thinking of giving up on this dream... i've been nursing it since i was a kid and it's really the only thing i've thought about seriously... i remember once when i was conducting a concert a friend said later that that was the one time i looked really happy... i still love the way it feels when i create beautiful music... i still want to be that kind of artist...
but it's also a kind of cartharsis to be able to look at my future without having a sort of veil upon it...
so now it's like i'm a kid again and i can be almost anything i want to...
which isn't all that bad...
then there was that unexpected boon... that happy surprise of my A's results... it's really for me an eye-opener to see how much we humans can be so terribly greedy...
i remember i was once happy with just scraping a pass... but then now we're all aiming for scholarships and special programmes and all that...
it's not a bad thing to strive for better things... but it seems funny to forget all too suddenly that not too long ago that was all a laughable dream...
i don't deny that somewhere along the way when i was failing specttacularly i was also harbouring fantasies that i would do how i finally did in my exams... i suppose it's a way of telling myself that dreams do come true...
it's a funny thing to say... and i suppose even funnier now you're reading it...
but funnily enough... i believe in it...
and then not too long ago there was army and Tekong and all that horror...
and the light at the end of the tunnel...
Tekong was just one unimaginable terror... and when i sometimes say that i've clean forgotten about it, as a defence mechanism so i don't break down, sometimes i really mean it...
i know that a very close friend of mine who might be reading this now has gone through what pretty much makes Tekong a holiday in Malibu... but this is my life... and to me it is how i really feel...
some people take it as a rite of passage... as a mark of manhood... until now i am tempted to write volumes in high heroic prose to show my utter indignation at a race that can take the opening of young men's eyes to violence and warfare as a mark of maturity...
but i won't... i'll just let it go because i've seen how totally useless it can be arguing against this system...
but then i got it easy... i'm now spending my days in a vocation that i really enjoy... despite what my colleagues say about it...
i'm really happy where i am now... i've met people that i really don't think i could have met anywhere else and these people have made such a difference... and i'm really glad for it... it's not to say that all there is to it is fun and hahas.... there's also a lot of discovery and growing up... a lot of stuff that i've learned here...
there's all the colours and life and vibrancy of this place... i suppose there's also a fair bit of politics and gossip... but i can deal with that... it just takes the right perspective on things...
suddenly there's a lull in my mind... there seems to be a lot of stuff that i want to put down still but i don't know where to start or how to say it...
but then and again i think this is enough for one night...
and i really wonder who really reads all this... like seriously reads...
haha...
Thursday, November 24
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6 comments:
You ask:
"and i really wonder who really reads all this... like seriously reads...
haha... "
me: I do. I'm a voyeur. ^_^ And I don't think I'm the only one.
(Dictionary.com: An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.) (Hm. Charlie is a sensational subject. Hm.)
And I guess everyone changes, along the way. Dreams get put aside and then forgotten, yet...sometimes the future seems brighter because of that. But they never die, even when forgotten. They live in our subconcious, our night dreams, our very cells. The things we do and experience in the past, or even now, and are forgotten, might one day reach 20, (even 50)years into the future to affect our decisions then... So.. I guess in a sense nothing is wasted, nothing is really left behind... ^_^ like Albert Einstein says.. "the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
haha.. sigh. I'm still thinking about my future as a comic artist / writer / graphic artist for games ... Choices are choices..which to leave behind... ^_^ The last person I want next to me the the eminently practical Gradgrind...
Who really reads it all? Uh... I'd have to say 'me' too. I just can't match up to the quality of the content here, so I never bother with embarrassing myself... Then again, maybe it's because there just isn't a way to add to your thoughts. Not when you express your ideas so succinctly.
I suppose all of us can empathise with respects to the lost dreams and diminishing hope, but in the end, we usually find new little dreams and hopes to make come true in lieu of our daring childhood dreams. But then until we fulfil those crazy dreams, we don't experience those moments of incredible happiness. You know, when you feel like you've discovered the cure to being human, or AIDs, or have discovered how to revert to youthful features. But it all comes at a terribly high price, some material (like mine) and some intangible, weightier, like yours and Tannie's. I don't really know what to say, except that most dreams never started out with clear, constructed planning anyways, so when they're acted upon, it's usually because of some twist of fate or instances requiring quick action... So it doesn't really matter if you've guts or not... Just how determined you are...
And I realise it's ironic to end this abruptly because I need to study, but c'est la vie...
the cure to being human? nice one, that, princess.
And to quote from Dream sandman (whom everyone loves)..."The price of getting what you want, is getting what once you wanted."
(and i meant in my prev post: choices arh choices.. >_< sorri. always typo in my comments..)
hey. moi aussi. i read this too ok. not because i'm a no-life-stay-at-home-read-blogs person. hehe. but because your entries are always a joy to read. anyway, want to say that u have had a dream that many can only dream of as well. how many people do u know have that much conviction and passion in something as much as u do music? ( at the same time, if u thought of kenny tan, i have to add: and are good at it?) hahahaha. the sad realities in life might make us make the 'right' choices and hence letting go of the dreams and aspirations we once had. but then, what point is there in living then? right? a purpose in life i guess is what we all seek, and do you really see yourself in a corporate job working 9 to 5 (or later) and keeping your music under wraps? :)
p.s. what was princess meaning about u and me? i didnt get it.
i realised while typing this, that typing this against the backdrop of your posts just makes my eng seem that much worst! hahaha. tekker.
that was such a nostalgic trip down memory lane. I remember the card games and the ghost stories too. I remember how we used to balance chopsticks, slippery noodles and throwing down a winning set all in one swift moment in that old canteen, and of course, I still remember there are exactly 4 steps up to the toilets next to the photocopying machines because of Sally.
With such inspiring posts, it's no wonder so many pple do bother to read your entries right from start to finish. Try not to doubt yourself, But when you do find yourself doing that, make sure to come to your friends, we'll help put things into perspective...
knk
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