i so want to write mounds and mounds of words like i used to but nothing comes to mind...

so i shall just mindlessly ramble on until i come to something...

swimming somewhere around my consciousness right now are three unfinished pieces of prose... as much as it puts me to shame to say that one of them i'll probably never get round to finishing, i will have to tell the truth and say...
well, i suppose no one's ever going to find out what happened to Lord Graine the night he was murdered...

how sad.

now let's hope that i can finish the other pieces so that i don't seem to have no backbone whatsoever and that i have no perserverance to finish what i start.

so the past few days have been spent at home, practicing and watching the telly and going out to run errands and all that stuff that seems to be so inconsequential but when you look at the time half the day's gone.. in an hour of boredom today i started folding paper airplanes from a stack of paper that i had meant to throw out and before i knew it i was five again, and indulging in the endless, childish, yet so innocently pleasurable cycle of throwing, watching in amazement, rushing to retrieve the paper, and throwing again.

and it really helped that when looking out of the window i could actually see the sky... all grey and translucent and cloudy, promising even more rain...

that was fun...

i received a call a few days back and the caller asked why i sounded so weary.
hmm. i said i sounded tired because i was.
(that day being the day that i had to go down to get my phone serviced. and i'm one of those people they talk about in the papers who when the phone breaks down they just get depressed because they've developed some reliance on the phone. which is pretty weird cos i don't use the phone much anyway. but then and again maybe i'm secretly, unconsciously afraid of being alone and the phone allows me to, without actually being in contact with anyone, be in touch with the outside world.)
but thinking back upon the last few days it seems that my mood nowadays swings from a victorious and triumphant conviction that i'll succeed in doing what i want and this depressing, nagging feeling that i am going to, after all the trouble, have to go walking, head held tensely up, brow hardened, into NUS, to matriculate like everyone else.

i so do not want to be anyone else.

and surfing around i chanced upon this:
Pronoia: "The delusion that others think well of one, the unreasoning belief that his superiors think him to be indispensable, that his colleagues adore him, and that he is doing brilliantly in his work."
a word coined by Fred Goldner, in an article in Social Problems (1982)

and this so succinctly sums it up.

i swing between pronoia and self-doubt.

and so it seems that rambling along i have come to a reasonable length..
nighty then..

yes very abrupt i know.. but then suddenly the urge to write just dissipates into thin air.

which is a good thing, actually, since these urges to write come mostly when i feel less than perfect...

so life has been terribly busy these days, because amidst preparations for myriad events and performances i also have to make even more important preparations for the future...

but first the performances (which i would be ecstatic should i see some familiar faces):

Saturday, 25th November, 8pm
Raffles Hotel Jubilee Hall
Kim Seng Wind Symphony in Concert
tickets available at $10 each

18th November
Earshot Cafe at the Arts House
(which i shall be an accompanying pianist for the evening's singers)

and i will be flying to prague for over a week following these performances... this next event stresses me out to no end but is at the same time so exciting..

so that's what's up with my life.

and in the middle of all that i have somehow come to decide that i should at least take one long shot at trying to do what i really love doing... there have been countless cycles of vacillating between hormone-induced, adolescent despair and acceptance that life is bleak...
but the status quo now stands at acceptance that the lesser alternatives (which i have already secured) are not at all unbearable, but they are lesser nonetheless, and the chance to heed passion and pursue what i really want makes these lesser alternatives seem a lesser life, pale and muted...

at long last it seems that now that i'm trying my best for myself the angst and despair have melted away, and all i have is a quiet determination, and quite weirdly, peace.

or maybe the paranoia just hasn't set in.

hmm...

shamelessly ripped from leonard, who ripped it from zat...
you can rip it too!
at http://colorquiz.com/


Your Existing Situation

Acts calmly, with the minimum of upset, in order to handle existing relationships. Likes to feel relaxed and at ease with his associates and those close to him.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved - that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, he pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting his nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels he can only be at peace when he has finally reached his goal.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on who he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.


Your Desired Objective

In despair and needs relief of some sort. Wants physical ease, a problem free security, and the chance to recover.


Your Actual Problem

The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.


thank you very much. i sound like a bad case of neurotic anxiety.